‘Selfish’ Miss Universe’s brutal breakdown
Former Miss Universe Australia Erin McNaught reluctantly bows out of SAS Australia on Monday night after a "selfish" act leads to the torture of her celebrity teammates and ends with that PT from The Biggest Loser announcing his shock exit in scenes that will probably thrill the former contestants he once made do burpees.
With only two more days left in this hellhole, producers need more celebs to drop out before tomorrow's finale and so the soldiers are promptly instructed to destroy at least one by nightfall.
The mission is accepted.
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What military tactics will they use to break these screen queens? Perhaps another drown test in ice cold water. Or maybe an endurance run up a mountain while being battered by the elements. Ooh, another exploding toilet bucket should wipe out at least two of these suckers.
But the soldiers decide to go simple and just launch fire bombs at the bozos.
Everyone's put in pairs and told to run through bullets to save a pilot from a helicopter wreckage which they all fail at. The soldiers are understanding, as always.
"Where's your sense of urgency, you f**king idiots!" they scream.
Because of uneven numbers, Honey Badger goes in solo - hoisting the corpse up onto his shoulder and lumbering to safety in a scene that emits such rugged sexiness he could be anointed the honorary fourth Hemsworth brother.
He then strips of back at base camp and ya welcome:
While all this is going on, that Olympic swimmer James Magnussen's finally probed about the big scandal from his past and we're not sure if he should be offended or thankful that producers have saved his controversy to the very end.
The scandals have really been ranked in order of deliciousness, with producers leading with Schapelle Corby then Candice Warner and that chick who faked a sonogram. On a scale of one to toilet tryst, James' infamous Stilnox saga which plagued his career following the 2012 Olympic Games in London comes in at about a four-point-five.
"It got pretty dark for a while there," he tells the soldiers during the interrogation. "I was copping a lot of criticism. Not only in the media but out in public as well. As a 20-year-old kid I didn't really know how to cope with that so I made a decision that I'd never let emotions get the better of me again. So I don't really let anyone in emotionally."
The inner turmoil he feels is totally understandable. But sometimes you just gotta find silver linings.
"It's always a good day when there's no blood in your snot," Miss Universe hoiks a booger into a scrap of bark.
And that, people, is called perspective.
Word gets back to the soldiers that the celebrities' snot lacks blood, so they rectify that immediately by forcing them to run a combat course that will only end when one of them quits/dies.
Of course the honorary Hemsworth brother Honey Badger remains in the lead the entire time and barely breaks a sweat. And, just days after almost withering away on the side of a mountain with hypothermia, that Biggest Loser trainer is suffering again. But it's Miss Universe who's really lagging. The others are laps ahead of her as she drags her body through ice cold water and mud.
To ensure Miss Universe feels emotionally terrible as well as physically, the soldiers punish her teammates for her slackness by making them hold 20 kilogram sandbags above their heads. The aim is to make her feel so guilty that she withdraws, but she perseveres and risks becoming the next Firass.
"You're f**king selfish!" the soldiers scream at her as she battles the rapid flow of the freezing river.
Sabrina's still suffering from a back injury she received when she was pushed off a crane last week and the strain from the sand bag makes her cry in pain.
"My back! My back!" she weeps.
"If you're gonna whine I suggest you hand me your number! Gimme your number!" the soldiers scream at her, hoping they can get a two-for-one exit.
By now it's more than obvious Miss Universe will never catch up but she's refusing to tap out so the soldiers make her also hold a sandbag above her head as the other's return to the brutal course.
"They are suffering because of you!" the soldiers scream as her arms buckle under the weight of the sandbag.
She's distraught and tears roll down her face. And finally, she gives in - ripping off the number from her arm and handing it to the soldiers.
One down! It's not the two-for-one death deal the soldiers were angling for but, 12 hours later, it comes.
The sun rises over base camp and the celebrities are gently woken by the soldiers.
"Get up now, f***wits!" they scream.
For a moment, everything seems right. Until that guy from The Biggest Loser gathers everyone in a huddle. He's quitting.
"It's the inability to not work in the cold again," he reasons as they all beg him to stay. "All of a sudden I get the same f**king crazy vision I got the other day when I had hypothermia. I was shaking like sh*t. I'm gonna become more of a burden. I don't wanna be a martyr. Done. I'm out."
And just like that, across the country, The Biggest Loser contestants he once tortured with rowing sprints cheer the downfall they've so longed for.
Originally published as 'Selfish' Miss Universe's brutal breakdown