MAFS.
MAFS.

MAFS cheater backtracks after clinger’s demand

Just one day after banging veneers and enjoying each other's artfully rolled deli meats in a dirty motel room, Married At First Sight's cheating wife suddenly becomes a stage five clinger and blindsides her lover with a very abrupt request while eating red onions.

It's the morning after. Things got hot and heavy last night. We passed out just as Dan stripped down to his faded boxer briefs and climbed on top of Jessika. It was horrific.

We barge into the room and whip open the curtains. The harsh sunlight from the outside world illuminates the filth inside the motel room.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Married At First Sight episode 34

"We ate your continental breakfast," we snip at Dan and Jessika as we dump the used, damp towels in the bathtub. "Checkout was 30 minutes ago."

They don't care and remain tangled in their gross sex sheets.

"Dan's very knowledgeable in the bedroom," Jessika gleefully splutters.

"It wasn't just normal having sex. It was more making love than having sex," Dan grunts.

"We literally didn't ask," we huff as we refill the bottles of water in the bathroom basin and put them back in the minibar so we're not charged by reception.

The maxi taxi’s here, get up.
The maxi taxi’s here, get up.

Dan and Jessika have had one sweaty night together in a crumby motel room. For Jessika, it's the beginning of forever.

"I've already made up my mind where I'll end up after this experiment and that's with him on the Gold Coast," Jessika splats to us as Dan returns the room key to the front desk and gets grilled by reception about why the bottles of water in the mini bar have been opened.

Oh no. Dan has no idea Jessika has already organised to move across the country and into the house he shares with his son. We can't wait to tell him.

But before we do that, we check in on Ning and Mark to see if they ended up having sex in that tree last night. They didn't. And Ning's beyond disappointed.

"Do you want your croissant heated up? Do you want ham and cheese in there?" Mark asks her. Yes, she wants all of that done to her croissant, you fool, Mark!

Back in the city, Mike's still being a jerk and Heidi's still being high maintenance. He tries to win her over with one final date.

Mike describes the date as a "unique experience". No decent date should ever be described as a "unique experience". Obviously it has been booked through Red Balloon.

It's a gloomy, overcast day. The grey sky chokes back tears - like Dan, when he finds out he has a surprise new roommate.

"Look!" Mike yells to Heidi as he points out over Sydney Harbour.

Ahoy, bitches.
Ahoy, bitches.

 

Because Heidi is high maintenance and permanently cranky, she sighs and immediately begins complaining.

"I don't love boats and he knows that," Heidi snaps at us. What an ungrateful brat. This isn't just a boat, Heidi. It's a pirate ship. So polish your peg leg and hobble aboard.

"It's my worst nightmare," Heidi sobs as we cut the rope that tethers the ship to land and toss her an eyepatch.

Look, Mike and Heidi really aren't interesting. She's a total sad sack and he's super obnoxious and unaware, but tonight they almost break up on this pirate ship. It's actually pretty funny.

As Mike climbs the ropes of the pirate ship up to the crows nest, Heidi sulks on the starboard side, huddled in her weird carpet jacket.

Argh, WTF, me hearties?
Argh, WTF, me hearties?

The sun sets on the harbour and the pirate ship bobs past the Opera House. Heidi gazes at the iconic white arches as they swoop through the moody sky. She can feel the energy buzzing on the distant forecourt. The sounds of glasses clinking and people laughing dance across the inky water. It's the sound of people on first dates. Better dates. Dates that aren't on a pirate ship.

The people on those better dates stare out at the water. They think one thing: Who are those losers on a pirate ship?

Mike and Heidi keep doing laps of the cove. The laughing clown head at Luna Park mocks Heidi each time they sail past.

"I feel frustrated," she whispers as the wind lashes her face and whips her already unmanageable hair.

"It's like we just watched a movie and you're like, 'How good was Care Bears?' And I'm like, 'But we just watched Terminator?'"

We don't know why Mike's watching Care Bears. He seems like more of a Dora The Explorer kinda guy.

The pirate ship drops an anchor. Heidi's conflicted. Back in their apartment, her gross statement cushion says "yes", but her heart screams "no".

What on earth.
What on earth.

Over in Jessika and Dan's apartment, things are getting complicated. For Dan, the lust that comes with having sex in a dingy motel room is wearing off. But Jessika thinks this is more than it is.

"I feel like you're falling in love with me, babe," she spluts while slicing a raw chicken breast on the dining table.

Dan doesn't reply. We call him out to the balcony where we're sipping wine from a straw.

"Yeah, it is getting pretty serious pretty quick," he growls nervously as Jessika sautées red onion in the kitchen. "She did ask if I am falling for her. At the moment … I'm not there."

Dan wishes for the simple days - when they were sneaking around behind everyone's backs. The days where a text message ignited giddiness - back when the thought of being alone in the same room together seemed impossible. Now, he has it. Does he still want it?

Dan's head is spinning. He shovels his food down so he doesn't have to answer any more questions.

"Let's go to the other room," he grunts, and they run away to have sex again while we wait outside.

There's something special about this stage of a relationship. The stage where you've just left your spouses after weeks of cheating and one of you is being a clinger but you both still wanna have sex with each other even though you've just eaten red onion.

For more observations on pirate ships and gross statement cushions, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir


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