Why I got banned from Tinder
WE ALL know the dating marketplace is a difficult place in which to stand out - and Tinder is no different. With thousands of profiles to swipe through, a picture at the tiger temple or at Machu Picchu is fast becoming the standard.
As a single woman, every day I would swipe through the profiles and wonder - "How do I stand out?"
Well, the answer was right in my refrigerator.
While spending another lonely evening on the couch, browsing through Snapchat lenses, I found an irresistible option that I knew no man could resist.
This lens took my eyes, nose and smile and superimposed them onto eight eggs, sitting neatly in a carton.
Not even bothering to apply make-up, I snapped a picture of myself as the eggs - and knew it had to go on Tinder.
That is right. I became an eight-pack of eggs to try and get a date.
I quickly deleted all my "non-egg" photos and started a new profile. The "Tinder Anthem" I selected? How To Boil An Egg by Courtney Barnett.
Filled with the adrenalin of knowing how much men love eggs, I quickly took my new egg-dentity to Tinder to answer the question that we've all asked ourselves: "How many men will like an egg with a woman's face for dating or hooks-ups?"
With my profile ready to go, I sat and stared at my phone in anticipation, not knowing if my dreams would be scrambled or wrapped in golden foil.
Suddenly, the little "Tinder flame" appeared in my notifications panel. Someone, somewhere, was interested in an egg.
I opened the app and was shocked to see 58 matches. Quickly right swiping (liking) them all, I was greeted with the most amazing egg puns.
"Are you cracking onto me?" "Eggscellent profile." "You scramble my heart."
The matches kept coming in. I started to worry. Would these men like me for me? Or do they just like me because I've been an essential food item for hundreds of years?
It was getting late so I went to sleep. In just one hour I had found 530 men across Melbourne who were interested in an egg.
I woke up the next morning feeling hungover from my moment in the frypan and opened my phone to an error message from Tinder. Those cold words:
"Oops! Something went wrong. There was a problem logging into Tinder. Please try again."
A quick Google search revealed the lonely truth. I had been banned from Tinder for being an egg.
Whether it was an irritable vegan, a hipster with an egg intolerance or someone who simply prefers avocado toast - my egg Tinder profile had been reported and banned.
Now my dreams have been fried, I will try and make a comeback to Tinder by starting a new profile, with pictures of myself as an "ordinary woman".
I may have a great smile, a sense of humour and a body with limbs but I will forever know in my heart what men are really looking for.